Title: Dichotomy of One

Author: Jewels

E-mail: castaliath@yahoo.co.uk

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. They're not mine, never have been mine, even though I wish they were.

Summary: Elliot's thoughts. Sorta.

Rating: G

Spoilers: MAJOR Last Stand spoilers.

Archive: Ask and ye shall get.

Category: Episode addition

Notes: Stace said something to the effect of are there any Summit/Last Stand fics. I couldn't resist the implicit challenge.

**

//I...//

Is it getting dark in here? I don't know. It could be my eyesight failing, the incredible effort it takes just to open my eyes. Or it could be that the illumination crystals have all but been destroyed, plunging the subterranean caverns into darkness.

How do I know that?

Oh wait. I know. Lantash.

//I...//

I shouldn't be having to deal with this. At least unprepared. This should have been covered by that introductory lecture from Aldwin. "What it is like if a desperate symbiote takes you as its host." It could have been hosted by Samantha.

No. Major Carter. I don't know her as Samantha. That isn't me. I have to remember that.

Although I suppose the Tok'ra wouldn't even have broached the topic. They're a little wary of discussing it with the Tau'ri. They certainly know their feelings on the subject. Or at least Colonel O'Neill's feelings.

Them. When did I start thinking that? When I first got this symbiote in my head? Or later? And what the hell does Tau'ri mean anyway?

//I...//

'The First'. Ah. I see how that could be appropriate.

It's bizarre. Knowing things that engineers, historians, and military tacticians would kill to get their hands on, and having this feeling that I can't tell them. That they're not... ready. Amazing how a point of view can change in a few hours. But then being near death probably helps. Not going to tell anyone much of anything now...

//I... //

His voice again. It's not even a voice. Not like I can hear words spoken, or even whispered in my head. They're just... there. Like I've /just/ heard the words spoken and am remembering hearing it. I thought I was going insane when I first heard it. Thought the crystal that hit me on the head caused me to start hearing things. Then I realised what was going on. And I don't mind it as much as I first did.

I look over as best I can at the moving blur that is Sa... Major Carter, as she attempts to shift the crystals, wincing as one of their sharp edges bites into her hands. I know that feeling. One of Lantash's hosts was a tunnel engineer before he switched vocations, finding he didn't like it, and his hands and arms, like all engineers, was covered in a spidersweb of criscrossed scars from handling crystalline shards.

// ... love ... //

What do you love, Lantash? Life? I can understand that. Wouldn't have picked yourself up off the floor and jumped through the skin of my neck if you didn't. I bet I know what you're thinking. Does that make you the same as Jolinar? Taking a host if it means your own survival. I know you can't take control of me. You're too weak. But would you... if I wasn't as near death as I am?

We're never going to find out are we? Even if we both survive, you and I, which I doubt more and more as time goes by, we're going to be blended, unified, both equal partners in this. At least, that what I'd hope. What the Tok'ra philosophy dictates. We'll just ignore that unpleasant little Jolinar incident shall we? Even if it did have consequences for you which I know are on your mind.

// ... Samantha.//

I'm not surprised. It's hard to be surprised by thoughts which are your own and... not. But he's actually vocalised it. Now I feel... burdened. They're not my feelings, I try and keep that in mind... but... I can't die without saying something. Martouf already did that. Without telling her. Lantash thought all was lost the moment the Zatarc technology rebuilt his neural pathways and locked him out, a curious turnabout of the host holding the symbiote captive. He thought he'd never have a chance to tell her...

And now I have to. Because both I and Lantash are about to die. And I can't... I won't... let it go unsaid again. Even if I didn't have Lantash's faintly pleading emotions seeping into my own consciousness.

"He loved you, Major."

There. Said it. Was that so hard?

When I feel it as badly as Lantash does? Yes.

They're not my feelings. I have to remember that.

-End