Title: Cliched
Author: Jewels
E-mail: jhantor@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. They're not mine, never have been mine, even though I wish they were.
Summary: I can't... sufficed to say you should not read if you have an easily affronted sense of humour.
Rating: G
Status: Complete
Spoilers: None
Archive: Anyone who already has my fics, all others ask nicely and offer chocy type bribes.
Category: Humour/Parody
Notes: I am SO sorry! Please forgive me? ;)

**

"... but then, that would be a cliche, and you know how I feel about those..."
-Jack O'Neill

**

'How did this happen?' moaned Lantash, for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last hour.

Martouf responded, as he had each time Lantash had uttered that question, rhetorical though it was, with, "I don't know! Now will you please shut up!"

"Martouf?" Jacob's voice from the other side of the chamber startled him, and he realised with a grimace that he'd yelled his rather snappish response to his symbiote out loud.

"Sorry," Martouf apologised hurriedly, too tired to actually make it sound sincere, and continued trying to cut away the longer trails of the creeping vine that had been trying to overwhelm the Council Chamber for the last twenty minutes.

"RIIKAN!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!" a voice from the corridor made all conversation in the chamber stop, and several people actually flinched. Martouf had never heard Garshaw bellow like that before, and he distinctly hoped he would never be on the receiving end of her ire.

Riikan, the Hydroponics Manager, scurried into the chamber, a furious looking Garshaw on his heels. She had actually curved her fingers into claws and looked like she was ready to attack someone.

"Master Garshaw," Riikan said quickly, "Do you recall the creeper we got from H'renet?"

"Recall it?" snapped Garshaw, "I just helped the healers untangle Councillor Mitena from it. There are pieces of it lying all over the floor. These people," here she waved her arm to encompass the chamber, almost hitting Martouf in the face. Fortunately he ducked out of the way in time. "Have been prising it out of the walls. I THINK I REMEMBER IT!!"

"Uh..." Riikan paused a minute, then continued speaking. "Well, it seems that the artificial daylight we provided it with to photosynthesis had the... unfortunate... side effect of activating a gene which increases the rate of growth by several... million times of normal."

"Which is why it has taken over this entire facility in less than two hours?" demanded Garshaw, obviously struggling not to yell again.

"Yes." Riikan said slowly.

"But that still doesn't explain that!" Garshaw pointed to a blue/green moss, usually confined to hydroponics, that had virtually covered the floor, and was threatening to completely engulf the table. "Or that!!" She pointed to small yellow flowering plants that were attempting to take root between crystals.

Riikan smiled weakly. "Cross-polination?" he tried.

Garshaw was about to respond, probably with violence, when a loud, "AAIEE!!" was heard from the corridor.

The entire room emptied in seconds, bursting into the corridor (and trying not to slip on the moss) to see what was going on. Meredith/Eudocia stood there, glaring warily at a long tendril of the creeper.

"I swear!" she scried, when she realised she had an audience. "That thing just tried to grope me!"

Jacob blinked at her, then turned to Garshaw. "You remember that option I gave you earlier? The one you said you'd die before taking? Now might be a good time."

Garshaw looked pained. "I can just imagine the laughter that will echo across the lightyears." she looked down at the moss under her feet, then back up at Jacob. "We'll never live it down if we tell them."

Jacob pointed to the group who were trying to stop the creeper from blocking the ventilation system. It was defeating their attempts. Every time they hacked pieces off the vine, it regrew and covered the airway in seconds. "Running out of time." he told her.

"I will go." Martouf volunteered. Anything to get away from this thing. Lantash agreed. Loudly.

"Can I go too?" asked Meredith, who looked like she wanted to bring the creeper up on charges of sexual harrassment.

Garshaw hesitated a moment, then turned to glance at Aldwin as he entered the tunnel. "Master Garshaw!" he said, calling down the corridor. "Section four has been completely overwhelmed and-"

At that point, his foot made contact with a particularly slippery section of moss, and his foot went out from under him, sending him crashing to the floor. Unfortunately, he had just reached the cleaners who were trying to keep the air flowing, and the results were nothing less than spectacular.

"Ow!!"

"Shadak!... ALDWIN!!"

"I can't feel my leg!"

"My spine!"

"You idiot... that's MY LEG!"

"GET OFF ME!!!"

Garshaw stared at the large pile of people, yelling at each other and trying extricate themselves from the mass of limbs and bodies that had resulted from the collision, for all of two nanoseconds. Then she turned and barked at Martouf, "Go!"

Martouf needed no further prompting. He took off for the transport rings, not even taking the time to nod.

"Hey! Wait for me!" yelled Meredith, and hurried after him.

**

Martouf had rarely headed for the Stargate so fast. Even when the Goa'uld descended on their base, the Tok'ra conducted evacuations in an orderly manner. The last time was a notable exception, having to run for the Gate with Jacob and Samantha Carter. Running, he and Meredith were able to make it there in roughly twenty seconds. She slammed in the coordinates and he prepared to send the iris code.

The reason they were in such a hurry was that fact that some of the freakishly fast-growing creeper had been wrapped around the transport rings, and transported to the surface with them. It was now gaining on them rapidly.

When the Gate opened, and Martouf input the code, they waited for a few seconds, not wanting to be slammed into the iris at several thousand times the speed of light simply because they were in a hurry, and some Tau'ri technician hadn't had his morning infusion of caffeine yet.

Then they ran, virtually throwing themselves through the event horizon, and arriving in something less than a dignified fashion. That was, they almost fell out of the Gate and found themselves sprawled on the harsh metal ramp of the SGC.

Martouf heard Meredith's quickly muffled shriek an instant before he saw the tip of the creeper poking through the shimmering surface of the Gate.

"Close the iris!" he yelled at the control room. Hammond, who was standing there with a puzzled expression, nodded to the tech, who activated the metal plate which covered the Gate in seconds, and chopped off the bits of the creeper that had made it through. After another second, the distinctive sound of the Gate shutting down could be heard.

Meredith yelled, "YEECH!" and jumped to her feet, obviously taking great satisfaction in crunching the creeper underneath her boot heel and jumping up and down on it. "Grope /me/ will you?" she growled at the green smear.

Samantha Carter, who had entered the room as the iris closed, along with her team-mates, gave the Tok'ra a bewildered look as Martouf also clambered to his feet. "Martouf," she said, "What's going on?"

Martouf let his gaze travel around the Gateroom, taking in its moss-free floors, and its creeper-free-in-general appearance. Lantash was practically singing praises to the Tau'ri, and Martouf sagged in relief at the plain, nice, boring grey, and /not/ leaf-green decor. He turned his eyes on Samantha and her team, all still standing there looking confused.

"Please," He held out his hands beseechingly and said, "Take me to your weeder."

-End